Things that only horse people find funny

 Found on the Internet

Ten Ways To Get In Shape To Own A Horse

Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout "Get off, stupid! Get off!"
Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "Relaxing into the fall". Roll lithely into a ball, and spring to your feet!
Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse/pocket and write out a $200. check without even looking down.
Jog long distances carrying a halter and holding out a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you're doing.They might as well know now.
Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt. And smile as if you are really having fun.
6. Hone your fibbing skills. "See hon, moving hay bales is fun!" and " I'm glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won you first place - I'm just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place".
Practice dialing your chiropractors number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder, and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
Borrow the US Army slogan; "Be all that you can be'...(add) bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled."
Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself: "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience,..."
Marry Money!



Important Horse Terminology!

Event Prospect = Big Fast Horse
Dressage Prospect = Big Slow Horse
Hack Prospect = Pretty Color
Sporting Prospect = Short Fast Horse
Barrel Prospect = Fast Horse which can turn
Endurance Prospect = Fast Horse which will turn sometimes
Flashy = White Socks
Stunning= Makes you say "Good god, is that thing a horse?!"
Attractive = Bay
15.2hh = 14.3hhh
16.2hh = 15.3hh
To Loving Home Only = Expensive
To Show Home Only = Very Expensive
Needs Experienced Rider = Potentially Lethal
Elegant = Thin
In Good Condition = Foundered
Free Moving = Bolts
Very Responsive= Sit still and hold on tight.
Rescue horse= most likely crazy, dangerous and untrusting.
Quiet = Lame in Both Front Legs
Dead Quiet = Lame in All Four Legs
Good in Traffic (Bombproof) = Lame all Round, Deaf and Blind
Loves Children = Kicks and Bites
Kids horse= Stubborn and never moves.
Pony Type = Small and Hairy and stubborn
Arab Type = Looks startled
TB Type = Looks Terrified
Quarter Horse Type = Fat
Warmblood Type = Big and Hairy
Draught Type = Big and Exceedingly Hairy
Easy to Catch = Very Old
Great prospect= Spoiled pasture pet.
Great Project horse= Dangerous and time consuming.
Greenbroke= Someone once sat on it.
Very people friendly= Thinks it's a dog.
Best when lounged first= This horse is a ticking energy bomb.
Must Sell = Wife has left home and taking kids
All Offers Considered = I am in Traction for 6 months
Reluctant = Sale Comes with Title Deeds to Sydney Harbor Bridge


You Know You're A Horse Person When...

...your horse gets new shoes more often than you do.
…your mouth waters at the sight of a truck full of hay.
...every time you drive past a road construction sight you think what nice jumps the barricades would make.
...you consider a golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
...your friends no longer ask to get together after school/work or on a weekend because they know you'll say, "I can't, I have to ride."
...you pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,000 pick-up truck.
...you buy duct tape by the case, and carry rolls in your pocketbook, briefcase, backpack, and car trunk.
...you realize finding a horse shoe is truly lucky because you've saved ten bucks.
...your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more than you love him and you say: "And your point is..?"
...someone does something nice for you and you pat them on the neck and say 'good boy'.
...you try to get by someone is a restricted space and instead of saying "excuse me" to him/her, you cluck at them instead.
...you show up for an appointment in your city clothes and when you get there people reach across the table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.
...no one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and on their clothes...but that's ok because you'll have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them anyway!
...you look at all the piles of laundry sitting next to your washing machine and most of them are breeches, horse blankets, saddle pads, etc.... but you don't even care about the horsey hair residue that will be left in your washer and dryer.
...you say "whoa" to the dog.
...your mother, who has no grandchildren, gets cards addressed to Grandma, signed by the horses and dogs.
...you see the vet more than your child's pediatrician.
...you groom your horse daily for hours and you haven't seen a beautician since...?
...someone asks for a screwdriver and you hand them a hoof pick.
...you clean tack after every ride but you never, ever, wash the truck.
...on rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.
...you can remember worming schedules, lessons, and farrier visits in your head, but often forget your class schedule, household chores, and meals.
...you are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift.
...you stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.
...books and movies are ruined for you if horsemanship references aren't correct.
...you actually get to a point where flies don't bother you that much anymore.


These would be perfectly normal things to say in horse company, but not things you'd want to say in public or non-horse people might get the wrong idea!


Do you like my breast collar?

His sheath was really dirty, but I cleaned it.

In the winter, his Ass gets really hairy.

Don't jump on him, sit down gently.

What a lovely Jackass!

She wants to breed to my stud.

There's nothing like 17 hands between you legs!

Can I pet your Ass?

He had a bad attitude, so we castrated him.

He's got a lot of stamina, you can ride him all day long.

Is she a maiden?

I wanted to breed to her stud, but he's all booked this season.

You can come when we do the breeding.

He's really good at walking and pooping at the same time.

He didn't try to run away when we drove the nails in.

He broke his leg, so they shot him.

She bites her baby if it behaves badly.

She's on a new diet, she's only eating grass.

She just got a new rack.

If he's not good, just grab his lip and twist it.

When I'm done riding him, you can have a turn.

They cut his toe shorter and he walks better now.

If her baby nurses too hard she bites it.

He's much better if you ride him with a crop.

I jumped 4 feet high yesterday.

She's got a really nice, big, square butt.

What color are her gums?

The mother is black and the father is white, and the baby came out black and white spotted.

Don't worry, it's normal for his mouth to foam.

All of her babies have been sold overseas.

I know she's going to have a baby soon because her butt is soft.

Her baby started walking about 20 minutes after birth.

Her body was covered in 4-inch long hair, but I clipped it off.

He has trouble mounting her because she's so tall.

She likes to roll in the dirt after her bath.

He has 64 babies.

He goes outside in just a blanket.

He was about 6 months old when we branded him.

I have to use a stool to mount him.

If he's spilling his food on the ground, he might need a dentist.

I was listening to his gut sounds last night...

One testicle is visible, but I can't even feel the other one.



25 things a horse rider can say without sounding dirty:

1. I just cant get him to come!

2, Theres nothing like having 17 hands between your legs

3. I'm gonna get off now..

4, He needs a good 20 min warm-up...

5. Relax your body... dont pinch with your knees... go with the motion... open up your hip...

6. When he gets excited he really foams up

7. Give him his head...

8. I rode him yesterday, but Gwen is gonna ride him today...

9. Go ride Tyler... you'll like him... he'll be good for you...

10. Push!!! squeez!!! Pull Hard!!!

11. Smack him if he refuses!

12. You want his hindquarters to be balanced and even with yours

13. You look so good on him...

14. He's too much for her, maybe you should get on...

15. Make sure you release

16. Don't lean forward unless you want him to go faster

17. Dont pump too much

18. Squeeze and Release... Give and Take...

19. "How was he today?"

20. One-two- three- up! one- two- three- down! Up! Down! Up! down! Faster!

21. Keep his head up

22. If he doesn't get ridden 5 days a week het gets cranky.

23. You need spurs//crop with him...

24. "How many have you done today?"

25. I just love riding the big ones!!


HORSEMAN'S DICTIONARY

Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.

Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.

Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them- as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).

Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.

Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows.

Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly. (also see Filly)

Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.

Corn - small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots.

Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administeres mineral oil to his horse.

Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.

Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.

Feed - Expensive substance utlized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.

Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).

Filly - What your mare always gives you when you want a colt.

Flea-bitten - A condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.

Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.

Founder - The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er."

Founder (2): A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner

Frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on.

Gallop- The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn

Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

Girth Sores- Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of mid-section by fashionable large western belt buckles.

Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the ‘Big Name Trainer.'

Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.

Grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.

Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.

Head Shy - A reluctance to use the public restrooms at a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets.

Head Tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.

Heaves - The act of unloading a truckful of hay.

Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.

Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.

Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool tuilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.

Horse shoes - Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.

Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.

Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.

Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.

Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.

Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.

Manure spreader - Horse traders

Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds.

Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.

Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season.

Parasites - Small children (no flames please) that get in your way when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows.

Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.

Pony - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported semen-that was advertised as 15 hands tall.

Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.

Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.

Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.

Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.

Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the nuckles.

Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.

Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.

Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickenss (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.

Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.

Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.

Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.

Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.

Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town.

Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.

Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.

Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.

Vet Catalog - An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.

Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it.

Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go. (Also caused by a wet or dry horse tail across the face while cleaning hooves.

Windpuffs - Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen.

Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.

Yearling - the age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.

Youngstock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.

Zoo - The typical atmosphere around most horse farms