Trail guide problems

Trail guiding. I'm going to be doing some of it abroad, hopefully anyway, and I was just remembering some of the less lovely bits of the job. Now most of those things were related to having a less than ideal boss (I once spent 45 minutes on the phone with them trying to talk them through copy and pasting an email address. I wish I was joking. In the end they decided it was too complicated and they'd just call the people in the morning.) and many of those things were due to having a poorly run place filled with inefficiency.

But what just now popped into my head were some of the misunderstandings that riders give when they try and ask things they think are 'horsey' without really knowing about them.
Here are a few:

Rider: "Is my horse a boy or a girl?"
Me: "Your horse is a mare- a girl.''
Rider: "Ooh, and what about my friend?"
Me: "It's a boy."
Rider- to friend: "Hey! Guess what? You're riding a stallion!"
Me: "What? Oh, no, she's on a gelding actually. We don't keep stallions here."
Rider: *blank stare* "A what?
Me: "A Gelding. It's a male horse that's been gelded- castrated."
Rider: "Huh?"
Me: "Err, he's been fixed. He's had his manly bits removed."
Rider: *Blushing* "Oh! Oh my."
Me: "Yeah, we like to call it brain surgery."

Here's another one:

Rider: "Excuse me, Miss?"
Me: "Yes? What can I do for you?"
Rider: "I was just wondering if we could gallop! I've always wanted to."
Me: "Uhhh... .. .. I'm not sure if you're quite ready for a gallop but we could try trotting?"
Rider: "What's that?"
Me: "Faster than a walk but slower than a gallop."
Rider: *disappointed* "Oh, okay."

What I heard:

What I think they mean:

What they really mean:

What they look like: (Just kidding. Their seat and hands were much worse and they were usually gripping the horn for dear life.)

After trotting:

Rider: "Yeah! See, that's what I meant!"

Me: "Oh, okay. Glad to help out then!"

Rider: "I can't wait to go home and tell all my friends I got to gallop!" 

Me: *Face-palm* 

Rider: "I want that one!"
Me: "Well, she's for experienced riders only, are you an experienced rider?"
Rider: "Well, I've been on a few trail rides, so kind of!"
Me: "I think you'd prefer this horse over here actually.."
Rider: "Why? Are they different?"
Me: "... ... ... Yes. They have different temperaments and personalities."
Rider: "They DO?!"
Me: "... ... Yes. They aren't robots."
Rider: "Wow, I had no idea! I thought the only thing different was the color."
Me: "Er, no, they're all pretty different."
Rider: "Is that related to color?"
Me: ".... No."
Rider: "Oooh..."

This next story involved a mother with a birthday party and several small children. Our oldest kids horse went missing that morning, my boss was late so I had to open, my ride came early and I was still saddling the horses. I'd looked for the mare earlier with no luck.

Woman: "Excuse me? Are you in charge here?"
Me: "Yes 'mam, I am right now."
Woman: "Oh, okay I think I talked to your boss. The person I talked to said you'd have enough horses for all the kids to go on one ride?"
Me *cringing and counting* "Well, it looks like one of them might have to ride double with another child. Although I would strongly advise that you split the children into two groups- not all of the horses we have are really suitable for young children. The price would still be the same."
Woman: "What? Why do they have to double? I was told there would be enough horses and that I should ask for one named Silver because she was the best kids horse."
Me: *grimacing* "Normally we would have enough, although as I've said, not all of them are the best kids horses, but Silver actually went missing this morning. I couldn't find her."
Woman: "This is unacceptable! I'm calling your boss! I want Silver."
Me: "I'm sorry but she's  the one'missing'."
Woman: *Glaring*
Me: *sighing* "I tell you what, let me hop on nugget quickly and go look one more time."

 I leave to canter Nugget to the pasture and do a search around. I see no sign of her at all.

Me: " 'Mam, I'm sorry but I just can't find her. As for the kids and figuring out the ride limits, this actually isn't really my job- it's my boss' but he isn't here right now, so it's just me running things."
Woman: "I just don't understand why you can't find her. They said the kids could ride Silver."
Me: "Err, could I talk to you over here? Away from the kids?"
Woman: "Fine."
Me: "Look, I'm going to be honest. Silver is pretty old, about 32, we don't use her a whole lot and I wouldn't be really surprised if she wandered down somewhere and passed away. The grass is pretty high and it'd be hard to spot her body."
Woman: " *getting it* Ooohhhh.. I see. Well then, okay, what else can we do?"
I was just starting to explain other options when my boss finally pulled up. I promptly told him to deal with it and went back to tacking up the horses.

Side note:

During a lull in traffic I went to search for Silvers body again. I went on foot this time and went to the back of the pasture where there is a fairly deep ditch and a creek. Turns out there are also little places of land that are hidden from the main pasture. I found Silver in one of these, very much alive and looking extraordinarily pleased with herself.



I mentioned before, I believe, that my horse, Nugget, didn't like strangers, was partially moon blind, and had a bit of a nasty temper, she really disliked men but didn't like anyone other than me coming by 'her' tree. She got her own space away from the others.

Adding in my saddle really decreased the number of people asking to ride her.

This tree is Nugget's tree. 

Anyway, during the Halloween season the farm next to ours had a pumpkin patch, corn maze, etc. So we got a lot of people who wanted to come pet the horses. Which is okay, except for Nuggs. So we put a sign up saying 'Do NOT pet. Not friendly to strangers. Horse will bite.' 

It didn't really help. 

One interaction with a rider:

Woman with young daughter: "Ooh, look at the pretty gold one honey, she's gorgeous! Let's go pet her."

Me: "Actually 'mam, she doesn't really like strangers and may bite, however you can pet one of the other horses."
Woman: "No, no, horses like me! I'm good with horses." *Keeps walking towards Nugget.*

Nugget has her ears up for part of it (but her look is not friendly) but they keep inching back the closer the woman comes.

Me: "That's nice, but I know this mare, and she was abused and doesn't like strangers in her space. Please don't try and pet her."
Woman: "It's okay, she likes me!"
Me: "Really, you can pet any other horse besides that one but that one WILL bite you if you get too close." (She wouldn't always but if you interrupted nap time during a really busy day, she got grumpy quick. Plus this woman seemed to think that she was the horse whisperer or something.)
Woman: "Oh, it's fine..."

Me: *Giving up and figuring it serves her right to get bitten at that point*

She finally gets close enough to start reaching out a hand to pet her when Nuggets ears went from curious forward to flat back and she snaked out her head to try and bite the woman's hand.
Woman: "OH MY GOD! She tried to bite me!"
Me: "Yes, she doesn't like strangers."
Woman: "You shouldn't have such dangerous horses where people can pet them!"
Me: "I completely agree, you should tell my boss that."
Woman: "Well, you should at least have signs telling people that she's dangerous!"
Me: (With my best 'are you fucking serious' face) "There is a sign. Right there. On the tree. There's also me. Right here, telling people to please not pet her."
Woman: *Leaves in a huff*


 Rider: "Oh my god! My horse just did something! What'd she do?!"
Me: "She sneezed, it's not a big deal."
Rider: "No, she's trying to tell me something! She's talking to me. What's she trying to say?!"
Me: *seeing an opportunity* "Oh, well, she's trying to tell you that she'd like more rein because yours are a little too tight." (I'd told her this at least 3 times by this point with no luck.)
Rider: "Omg, I'm soo sorry!"


Rider: "Why does my horse keep wanting to put it's head down?"
Me: "They like the fresh grass, they've already been fed this morning though."
Rider: "Should I let him eat? He must be hungry."
Me: "They always do this actually, because too many riders have let them get away with it. It's a bad habit and dangerous with a bit in. He's okay, I promise."
Rider: "Okay......."

*A while later*

Rider: "Help! I can't get my horses head up and he wont stop jerking it down to the ground!"
Me: "...Did you let him eat after I told you not to?"
Rider: *guiltily*  "Umm.... maybe....."
Me: *sighing* "Well that's why then.  It's basically 'if you give a mouse a cookie, he's going want a glass of milk...' Once you let them once, they're going to drive you nuts the rest of the ride."
Rider: "Well what can I do?!"
Me: "Don't let them eat. You can put the reins over the horn, where the knot in them is, and then they can't get their head down.... They'll stop pulling eventually."

At the end of the ride:
Me: "So, what'd we learn?"
Rider: "Put the reins over the horn!"
Me: ".... I... Er... ... ... ... Oh, whatever."


One day a baby calf died in the cattle pasture we ride through- the farm hands hadn't picked up the carcass yet. Sure enough, my first ride had little kids on it and we had to ride by the calf. I was hoping that they wouldn't see it... No such luck.

Adult rider: "Hey, what's that over there?"
Me: "Oh. Uh, it's a calf."
Rider: *quietly* "Is it dead?"
Me: "Yes 'mam, it happens some times."
Rider: "Oh god. I hope the children don't notice it..."
Me: "I was trying to avoid them seeing it..."
Other adult rider: "Death is so sad. Especially when it happens to one so young."
*Conversation about sad deaths and emotions*
Kid: "What's that thing?"
Me: "Oh... Well, that's a calf sweetie."
Kid: "Why's it over there by itself? Is it sick?"
Me: *sadly* "Well, no not exactly."
Kid: "Oh. Is it dead?"
Me: "Yes, I'm afraid it is. It must have had an accident or got sick last night and passed away."
The kid is silent for a moment and I think we're about to have a crying child.
Kid: *In an extremely matter of fact voice* "Is it decomposing?"

Kids man, kids are crazy. The adults were way more upset about it than the kid was. I don't know if they just understand the finality of death more or if the child was just really okay with the facts of life.