The ride was even worse than having to hear 5,000 renditions of home on the range sung by giggling city slickers. If by some strange chance of fate, the woman in the following story happens to be a blog reader.... Just know that I pretty much hated you and you gave me migraines. Please, never go on a guided ride ever again unless you change completely.
So now we will delve deep into the world of my very ‘favorite’ customer (favorite horror story anyway) who was unfortunately a regular. She never tipped and she never listened to anything we’d say or ask her to do. The first time she came out she said she was an experienced rider.
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She was awful through the whole ride, letting her horse eat then running to catch up, trying to move out of line while knowing that her horse will kick at others- why she's last in line. During the end of the ride she kicked her horse into a canter towards the barn. I just had to hope that her horse wouldn't take off completely (did I mention there's a road in between the trail and barn?) and that I could stop the rest of the horses from following. I got back to the barn seething, and all she had to say was “Wow! That was a rush!”
Hey lady, do you have ANY idea how much unpaid work I did trying to train those horses to NOT rush back to the barn? No? I didn't think so.
Her second trip out however was more, but not the most, eventful.
She showed up, while I was out on a ride. My boss was still on base to take sign ups and read people the waiver and other instructions. Now this lady had been here before so she knew she was supposed to come in and sign up before touching the horses, however for whatever reason this day she decided to climb up on one of the horses while it was still tied up.
She hadn't told anyone she was there or asked for permission and she climbed up on “the pretty horse”. Guess who the pretty horse was? Yep, the same one from all the other stories- the 'nobody else touchy' horse. She hated strangers and likes to rear, bite, buck and kick when people make her mad which is again, why we tied her up away from the others. Anyway, this woman decided, for some unknown reason, that climbing up onto Nugget while she was tied to the tree was a good idea. Nugget promptly decided to buck her off and managed to trample her in the process.
My boss ran out out and helped her up.
Even after being stepped on she still went on the ride. *face palm* A few weeks later we got a call from the woman saying that my horse had broken her collar bone and she was considering suing. I laughed and pointed out that she’d been just fine for the entire ride. I didn't get to mention that she completely deserved it. She said she never wanted that horse again. I didn't point out that we never gave it to her in the first place.
The third time she came was the worst.
I rode in and was getting ready to go out again when I see this woman. Yes, I remembered her and yes, I cringed.
Woman: “HIIII! Can I have the same horse I did the first time? That one *points at Nugget* doesn't behave very well.”
Me: “That’s because she’s a wrangler only horse. I led out on her on your last ride and explained it to you then.”
Woman: “Oh. So can I have my horse again?”
Me: I remembered her and knew that she wouldn't listen to me or the rules and I decided that Penny was suddenly not working that day.
“No, sorry but she’s got the day off today, tell you what, I’ll put you up on Brownie! She's exciting too.”
The horse she rode the first time was one of our spunkiest horses and Brownie is one of the horses that will never trot or move out of line no matter who rides her.
Woman: “Oh. Okay! Honey come over here so she can get you a horse!”
Woman’s boyfriend: “You got a horse big enough for me?”
This was about the time that I was pretty pissed off since I had just realized they were totally and completely drunk. I HATED taking out drunk people. They are the absolute worst.
Me: *Already annoyed* “Yes sir! His name is Charlie.”
Charlie was our horse who didn't really care for men and would bite anyone who kicked him/pulled on his mouth too much.
Man: “Alright let’s do this!”
We get about fifteen minutes in and it’s been pretty laid back so far and I start to dream that it might actually be an okay ride. I should mention that I also had a quiet and reserved Father and Son on the ride and that I was hand leading the son from Nugget.
Woman: “Hey!”
Me: “Yes?”
Woman: “Can I run my horse?”
Me: “No, I don’t think that’s a very good idea since it’ll make all the other horses run too and we have kids on the ride today.”
Woman: “Oh. Okay.”
Five minutes later I look back and see the woman kicking at brownie who is completely ignoring her.
Me: “Is there a problem?”
Woman: “Yeah! This stupid horse wont go!”
Me: *glaring* “She’s just doing what she’s supposed to.”
See now here's the thing, guides don't get paid all that much so we like tips. If you're a normal ride and don't cause a lot of problems or extra work, it's not such a big deal. If you're awful, we know that we get paid exactly the same amount for taking you out for an hour and being snarky as we do for taking you out and being nice.
This was about the time that the boyfriend had gotten his “liquid courage” to kick in and, even though he was a terrible rider, he decided it’d be fun to run Charlie. He started making Charlie trot out of the line which made the rest of the horses nervous.
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Sometimes this isn't a good thing!
Me: “Sir, we have young children and you’re upsetting their horses, can you please get back in line?”
Man: “Awh, it’s alright! I’m doing good.”
Me: I really need you to get back in line.”
Man: *groans and gets back in line*
Ten minutes go by when suddenly Charlie comes trotting up past me.
Me: “Sir, can you please pull back on your reins? The horses get frisky when they’re leading.”
*No response*
Me: “I need you to pull back on your reins now.”
Man: “Look, I got him under control, see!” *for some reason he decides it’s a good time to kick Charlie who decides that he doesn't like this guy very much and starts to grab the bit, a trick which makes the rider helpless.*
Me: *seeing the danger* “Pull back on your reins, NOW!”
Man: (slurring) “I said I’m in control!”
The woman is laughing and encouraging him.
This was the exact time Charlie decides to just completely take off. Oh, and did I mention that both sides of the trail are lined with barb wire during this section?
Me: *yelling* “Pull back on the reins!!! *nothing*
*Turning to my ride*
Me: (To the father) “Sir, do you mind dismounting and holding your sons reins while I go and help him?”
Father: “Sure. No problem.”
Me: “Thank you so much, I'm sorry, I’ll be right back, just keep the horses here, okay?”
The man’s out of sight at this point and I have no idea what happened to him. I don't particularly care and I know he's cleared the barb wire.
Once we were a little ways away from the other horses Nugget and I took off at a gallop after the man. When I get to the field at the end of the road I immediately saw Charlie running around quite happily without a rider.
Me: “Shit.”
Thankfully I quickly spotted him, lying in a clump of grass.
Me: “Are you okay?”
Man: “What? Oh. Yeah. Lost my horse though.”
Me: “Are you hurt? Do you need medical assistance?”
Man: ‘Na, na, I’m alright.”
Me: “Okay, I’m going to call my boss and catch your horse, you stay here and don't move until we make sure you're not injured."
I see Charlie slow down a little and realize that he’s all alone and his friends are way back on the trail and realize that he doesn't care for that very much. He immediately turned around and started bolting back to the others. I know that this will make all the other horses horses panic and someone will unquestionably get hurt so I know how important it is to catch him. Unfortunately at this speed catching him means galloping up beside him and grabbing his reins.
Me: "Oh, God dammit!”
I’m forced to try to cut Charlie off before he hits the road, when we got close enough to be neck and neck I drop my own reins and make a desperate grasp for Charlies. Amazingly I actually managed to grab them and get him stopped. By this time I saw my boss driving up to the fallen rider. I made it over to them while still panting and leading charlie.
My boss: “Well it looks like everyone’s okay here so we’ll just get him back on and get you back to your riders.”
Me: *Through clenched teeth* “Are. You. Serious?”
Boss: “Yep. Let’s go.”
I very unhappily help him get back on Charlie who’s still all worked up and dancing around. We finally made our way back to the others and start off again after I apologize to the other riders for the delay and inconvenience. Ten minutes later I notice Charlie starting to trot up next to me.
Me: “* mumbles* ‘Oh hell no.’ *Loudly& "Sir. Pull back on your reins. NOW.”
No response.
Me: “If you don’t start listening to me I’m going to have to put you on a lead line instead of this young man.”
Man: “You cant do that! I’m a grown man and you cant treat me like a child!”*continues trotting*
Me: “No, no, you know what? Screw this. You’re acting worse than any of the children on this ride and I’m putting you on the lead line.”
Man: "I'm an adult! You can't do that!"
He kicks charlie who starts tossing his head and moving up the line again.
My patience is past done so I grab his reins and clip on the lead rope.
My boss who’s still waiting for us to go by to make sure everything's okay sees the man on the line and drives up to me.
Boss: “Don’t you think that’s unnecessary?”
Me: “Nope.”
Boss: “Really, take him off the line, this is embarrassing.”
Me: “It sure is.”
Boss: “Oh, come on...”
Me: “You want rider or do you want to keep a wrangler?”
Boss: *shrugs* “Alright.”
During all of this the man is still protesting and we’re not even halfway done with the ride. When we eventually finish, with the man still being led, he stumbles off and nearly falls.
Man: “Come’on honey, let’s go.”
The couple gets in the car and I stare open mouthed as they prepare to drive completely intoxicated.
Me: *scribbles*
Boss: “What’re you doing?”
Me: “Taking their god damn number so I can call the cops. I don’t give a damn if they want to kill themselves but I’m not going to let them kill anyone else.”
Boss: “Oh.”
Me: “And I want a raise.”
Unbelievably she came back a few months later, although thankfully without the man from hell.
Me *spotting her*: “Hell no. No way. I refuse.”
Boss: “She doesn’t seem drunk today, just take her out.”
Her: “Hi! I want a different horse than last time.”
Me: *with a look at my boss* “Sure! We just got this really sweet new horse, I'm sure you'll love her name’s Goldie!” I then led her up to Nugget...
A trail guide does not give out that many chances without revenge. I didn't actually put her up on Nugget of course, since Brownie did such a good job of keeping her under control. Also because I did not want to deal with that.
In addition to those kinds of crazy people, we also had people who exist to prove my theory- horse parents that must want their kids to die.
A mini van pulled into the driveway and I figured it was just going to be the same family style ride we do all the time. When the door opened a woman walked out, rather heavily pregnant and holding a baby that was maybe a year or so old, followed by her husband and children. I assumed that the mother was going to wait inside during the ride since we do not allow children under the age of four to go out on the trails and it's not really safe for a pregnant woman to ride either.
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Plus, how're you going to fit that comfortably in a western saddle? You can't, that's how.
Now imagine my surprise when she says she’s riding as well as her young baby. The conversation went as followed.
Me “Mam , I’m afraid I cannot allow you to go on the ride today.”
Woman: “What? Why not?!”
Me: “Well because frankly it wouldn't be safe.”
Woman: “I’m not going to fall off.”
Me: “Well no one plans on falling off but that doesn't mean it wont happen. Our insurance says that we cannot allow children under the age of four to ride the horses.”
Woman “Cant you make an exception?”
Me “No, it wouldn't be safe. To be blunt, I've been riding all of my life, I know these horses and their behaviors and I still wouldn't take my child out on them, much less an unknown horse and trail. You don't know these horses or these trails and that is way, way too dangerous.”
Woman: "So will someone be here so I can have someone watch him while I ride?"
Me: "It's not exactly safe for you to ride either but while I really can't stop you, unfortunately we are also unable to watch your child for you while you're gone."
Woman “So I cant go on the ride?”
Me “No, but you can wait inside where it’s air conditioned and comfortable.”
Woman: "This is ridiculous..."
Me: "I couldn't agree more..."
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ReplyDeleteMisspelling before.
DeleteYou win. I have stories too, but you have had some dumb people...