Join up one and all

So I started reading this book; it was cheap on kindle and called 'why relationship first works'. Within the first 20 pages it has me  gritting my teeth.  He goes on and on about the wonders of join up, and how magical and awesome it is. Now I'm going to be honest and admit that I have never had the same rosy eyed view of join up that everyone  else seems to. Oh, I'm sure it can work and does, but I don't think it's amazing or a super new concept.

No, this wasn't the story of how he bonded with a troubled horse, a wild horse or even a young horse. This was how he bonded with his first horse.  It wouldn't bug me quite so much if he didn't keep saying how amazing it was that his horse 'chose' to be with him.

Okay, let's get something straight for a moment. Your horse did not *choose* to be with you. You put a halter on them, put them in an enclosed area with no corners to hide in and no way out and then controlled their movement and energy until he offered the behavior you wanted to see. You ran him until he got tired and offered to stand by you... you know, the place that he already was at. Earlier. Before you told him you were a predator- and guess what? He already knew that. Being an already fully trained and domesticated horse, he also knew you probably weren't going to eat him. Still, that horse did not suddenly choose you over freedom. It couldn't have because you never actually offered them freedom.

You want to impress me with them choosing you, do it in a 50 acre pasture.  Then I'll be impressed. But that won't work you say?  Because that way they can use their flight response and get away from the big, bad predator and they don't have to look for another option.

Exactly. You have already taken away the option of actually going away from you. The only choice the horse really has, is keep running until he drops- an illogical behavior since a horse is designed to keep an energy store in case he was attacked by different aggressive predator, or save their energy and come stand by you.  That really isn't much of a choice. I guess the other choice is for the horse to become aggressive and attack you, but let's face it, that's not a very common reaction because horses put up with an amazing amount of crap from us.

Also, I'm sorry but your horse is domesticated and trained. What you're pretty much doing is lunging them until they ask if they can stop moving already and go back to where they were already standing.  I don't believe that you have suddenly shown the horse that they can trust you. You've showed them you're the one in charge of moving their feet, so you're in control. But that they can trust your decision making skills? No way.

Why?

Because animals in the wild don't always simply go straight for the kill. Wolves will take turns running a horse down to exhaustion until they finally move in. That's why it bugs me when people say "oh, he understands that I'm not a predator because I'm driving him away from me!" No. He doesn't. Some animals can and do run horses until they give up or get injured because they don't want to pick a fight with those hooves any more than you do.

 Also, he didn't learn that you weren't a predator because you ARE a predator. Human beings are a predatory species. There's no way around it and no discussion. We are and we will never not be. He learned you weren't out to eat him (probably) but he did not learn that you weren't a predator.

If you want your horse to trust your decision making skills, it's going to take time and experiences. Lots of them, that's how a real relationship works.

Of course I'm also one of those cynical people who's not impressed by the fact that you can take an unbroke horse and teach them how to be haltered, saddled and ridden in a half hour. That's very.... fast? Good for you?  I don't think it's so great for the horse who probably can't actually understand or retain all that much because there's no way you're not skipping a good, solid foundation. You could probably teach a first grader some algebra after adding and subtracting but that doesn't mean you should.

I'm a fan of slow, steady steps where the horse is allowed to question things and understand what's going on. I mean, honestly, would you want to climb on a horse that'd been "broke" in an half hour the day before? If you do, you are a braver soul than I am.


Rant over.

More Trail Guide fibs: Trotting

I cannot count how many times the following scenario has happened to me.
Rider: “Can we gallop?”
Me: *laughing* “No.”
Rider: “Why not? Your boss doesn’t have to know.”
Me: “Sir, if I let you gallop you would fall off. We can trot however.”
Rider: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Well, right now we’re walking. The next speed up is a trot, after that is a canter, after a canter the next speed is a hand gallop, then a full gallop and finally a run.”
Rider: “Oh… So can we gallop now? I mean trot!”
Me: “….sure.”
Begin trotting:
Rider: “Why didn’t you tell me it’d be so bouncy?
Me: “Try this.” (demonstrate proper seat and posting.)
Rider: “How the heck are you sitting for this? How come I cant do that?”
Me: “Well this is my job and I’ve been riding for my entire life so… I’ve had a bit more practice.”

Eventually I just stopped explaining.
Rider: “Can we gallop!?”
Me: *begins trotting*
Rider: “Oh my god, slow down!”
Me: “Sure thing.”


Me: “So do you guys want to try going a litter faster?”
Riders: “I guess…”
Me: “Okay! Just say stop when you want to slow back down and that’s exactly when I’ll stop.”
*All the girls in the group* “WEEEEEEEE!! This is awesome!”
*All the guys in the group* “Oh. my. God.  Make it STOPPPPP.”
Me: “Everyone okay?”
Guys: “Err… is there, umm, a way to make this more, ah, comfortable? “
Girls: “Oh, it’s not that bad.”
Guys: *grumble grumble*
Me: *laughing* “No worries, I get that all the time, just do this.” (demonstrates posting)
Guys: “Thank you. Seriously.”



Rider: “This stupid horse wont do anything I want! *screams* What’s he doing?!!?”
Me: “She’s turning around. It helps if you hold the reins.”
Rider: “Oh.. what are those?”
Me: “The things I showed you how to use at the beginning of the ride and that everyone else is holding.”
Rider: “Oh. You’re right. He’s doing better now.”


We’re literally booked solid during the week around Halloween, I was the only trail guide and I worked from early morning until after sunset. I have people waiting to ride from the moment I get the current riders loaded up so I’m supposed to hurry back as soon as possible.
Riders: “Hey, do you think, I know most places wont let you, we could maybe trot?”
Me: “Well… I guess so.”
Riders a little while later: “Do you think we could try cantering?”
Me: “You know it will shorten your ride some right?”
Riders: “We don’t care.”
Me: “Well…. Okay. Just don’t tell my boss okay?”
Riders: “You are the best trail guide ever! We promise we wont tell!”
Me: “Awh, thanks! I’m only doing this because you guys are doing so well and I know you can handle it.”
At the end of the ride they tipped me a twenty and said thanks for an awesome… slow ride.
My boss after they leave: “You got back in good time. Did you trot a lot?”
Me: “Yep. Even cantered, I told them it’d cut down on time and they didn’t care.”
Boss: “Awesome.”
Me: “Hey, you should emphasize the no running part to the next group. Pretending that they’re special and that only they get to do it, it gets me a good tip!”

What to pack, what to pack

Okay, so I have already done a trial packing run of both my clothes and my carry on... well, kind of for the later. My suitcase weight is right there at the limit (50 lbs- including the actual bag weight), and while I have a few things I can nix, there's a bit more I need to add.
Now I'm not going to be backpacking and if I go adventuring for a few days, I won't need to bring my suitcase with me. I'm also going to be working so I need some work clothes and riding clothes. (Damn you boots and half chaps! Why aren't you easy to pack and light?)
But I'm also planning on spending possibly a work free month with The Boy in London, so I want plenty of nice clothes as well.

So my question to you, what things, as a fellow equestrian, would you absolutely need to have? A rain coat? Muck Boots? etc.

Also as a general human, at least I'm assuming most of you are in fact humans. If you aren't kindly let me know so that I can sell the story to the news.

Breeches, riding boots and work shirts are essential obviously, but what other things? I know that I am absolutely the type to over pack. Don't look at my closet or dressers- I know I have enough to clothe a small country. Shut up.

 I'm not worried about my carry on stuff, but the actual suitcase. I'm also not worried about size so much as weight. Darn thing.

Also, I'm going to some gorgeous places, do I want to bring my camera? It's a Nikon D5100 and bulky, but it takes amazing pictures and the battery lasts forever. Or do I just want to bring a small, crappier, digital camera? I feel like I wouldn't regret taking it, but damn that sucker is large.

Also what things would you advise bringing and what things would you leave behind? For example, I was going to leave a hairdryer but then I realized my hair looks terrible without one, especially if it's on the shaggy - I haven't cut it in quite a while- side.  So I got a travel one that folds and retracts. It's kind of awesome.

The worst kind of riders

The worst ride ever will be forever ingrained in my mind. Yes, this woman and her boyfriend was worse than all the annoying creepy guys, spoiled rotten 6 year olds in neon pink and people who thought they were the new John Wayne.

The ride was even worse than having to hear 5,000 renditions of home on the range sung by giggling city slickers. If by some strange chance of fate, the woman in the following story happens to be a blog reader.... Just know that I pretty much hated you and you gave me migraines. Please, never go on a guided ride ever again unless you change completely.

So now we will delve deep into the world of my very ‘favorite’ customer (favorite horror story anyway) who was unfortunately a regular. She never tipped and she never listened to anything we’d say or ask her to do. The first time she came out she said she was an experienced rider.

She was awful through the whole ride, letting her horse eat then running to catch up, trying to move out of line while knowing that her horse will kick at others- why she's last in line. During the end of the ride she kicked her horse into a canter towards the barn. I just had to hope that her horse wouldn't take off completely (did I mention there's a road in between the trail and barn?) and that I could stop the rest of the horses from following. I got back to the barn seething, and all she had to say was “Wow! That was a rush!”

Hey lady, do you have ANY idea how much unpaid work I did trying to train those horses to NOT rush back to the barn? No?  I didn't think so.

Her second trip out however was more, but not the most, eventful.

She showed up, while I was out on a ride. My boss was still on base to take sign ups and read people the waiver and other instructions. Now this lady had been here before so she knew she was supposed to come in and sign up before touching the horses, however for whatever reason this day she decided to climb up on one of the horses while it was still tied up.

She hadn't told anyone she was there or asked for permission and she climbed up on “the pretty horse”.  Guess who the pretty horse was? Yep, the same one from all the other stories- the 'nobody else touchy' horse. She hated strangers and likes to rear, bite, buck and kick when people make her mad which is  again, why we tied her up away from the others. Anyway, this woman decided, for some unknown reason, that climbing up onto Nugget while she was tied to the tree was a good idea. Nugget promptly decided to buck her off and managed to trample her in the process.
My boss ran out out and helped her up.

Even after being stepped on she still went on the ride. *face palm* A few weeks later we got a call from the woman saying that my horse had broken her collar bone and she was considering suing. I laughed and pointed out that she’d been just fine for the entire ride. I didn't get to mention that she completely deserved it. She said she never wanted that horse again. I didn't point out that we never gave it to her in the first place.

The third time she came was the worst.

I rode in and was getting ready to go out again when I see this woman. Yes, I remembered her and yes, I cringed.

Woman: “HIIII! Can I have the same horse I did the first time? That one *points at Nugget* doesn't behave very well.”
Me: “That’s because she’s a wrangler only horse. I led out on her on your last ride and explained it to you then.”
Woman: “Oh. So can I have my horse again?”
Me:  I remembered her and knew that she wouldn't listen to me or the rules and I decided that Penny was suddenly not working that day.
“No, sorry but she’s got the day off today, tell you what, I’ll put you up on Brownie! She's exciting too.”
The horse she rode the first time was one of our spunkiest horses and Brownie is one of the horses that will never trot or move out of line no matter who rides her.

Woman: “Oh. Okay! Honey come over here so she can get you a horse!”
Woman’s boyfriend:  “You got a horse big enough for me?”
This was about the time that I was pretty pissed off since I had just realized they were totally and completely drunk. I HATED taking out drunk people. They are the absolute worst.
Me:  *Already annoyed* “Yes sir! His name is Charlie.”

 Charlie was our horse who didn't really care for men and would bite anyone who kicked him/pulled on his mouth too much.

Man: “Alright let’s do this!”
We get about fifteen minutes in and it’s been pretty laid back so far and I start to dream that it might actually be an okay ride. I should mention that I also had a quiet and reserved Father and Son on the ride and that I was hand leading the son from Nugget.
Woman: “Hey!”
Me: “Yes?”
Woman: “Can I run my horse?”
Me: “No, I don’t think that’s a very good idea since it’ll make all the other horses run too and we have kids on the ride today.”
Woman: “Oh. Okay.”
Five minutes later I look back and see the woman kicking at brownie who is completely ignoring her.
Me: “Is there a problem?”
Woman: “Yeah! This stupid horse wont go!”
Me: *glaring* “She’s just doing what she’s supposed to.”

See now here's the thing, guides don't get paid all that much so we like tips. If you're a normal ride and don't cause a lot of problems or extra work, it's not such a big deal. If you're awful, we know that we get paid exactly the same amount for taking you out for an hour and being snarky as we do for taking you out and being nice.

This was about the time that the boyfriend had gotten his “liquid courage” to kick in and, even though he was a terrible rider, he decided it’d be fun to run Charlie. He started making Charlie trot out of the line which made the rest of the horses nervous.

Sometimes this isn't a good thing!

Me: “Sir, we have young children and you’re upsetting their horses, can you please get back in line?”
Man: “Awh, it’s alright! I’m doing good.”
Me: I really need you to get back in line.”
Man: *groans and gets back in line*

Ten minutes go by when suddenly Charlie comes trotting up past me.

Me: “Sir, can you please pull back on your reins? The horses get frisky when they’re leading.”

*No response*

Me: “I need you to pull back on your reins now.”
Man: “Look, I got him under control, see!” *for some reason he decides it’s a good time to kick Charlie who decides that he doesn't like this guy very much and starts to grab the bit, a trick which makes the rider helpless.*
Me: *seeing the danger* “Pull back on your reins, NOW!”
Man:  (slurring) “I said I’m in control!”
The woman is laughing and encouraging him.

This was the exact time Charlie decides to just completely take off. Oh, and did I mention that both sides of the trail are lined with barb wire during this section?

Me: *yelling* “Pull back on the reins!!! *nothing*
*Turning to my ride*
Me: (To the father) “Sir, do you mind dismounting and holding your sons reins while I go and help him?”
Father: “Sure. No problem.”
Me: “Thank you so much, I'm sorry, I’ll be right back, just keep the horses here, okay?”
The man’s out of sight at this point and I have no idea what happened to him. I don't particularly care and I know he's cleared the barb wire.

 Once we were a little ways away from the other horses Nugget and I took off at a gallop after the man. When I get to the field at the end of the road  I immediately saw Charlie running around quite happily without a rider.

Me: “Shit.”
Thankfully I quickly spotted him, lying in a clump of grass.
 Me: “Are you okay?”
Man: “What? Oh. Yeah. Lost my horse though.”
Me: “Are you hurt? Do you need medical assistance?”
Man: ‘Na, na, I’m alright.”
Me: “Okay, I’m going to call my boss and catch your horse, you stay here and don't move until we make sure you're not injured."

I see Charlie slow down a little and realize that he’s all alone and his friends are way back on the trail and realize that he doesn't care for that very much. He immediately turned around and started bolting back to the others. I know that this will make all the other horses horses panic and someone will unquestionably get hurt so I know how important it is to catch him. Unfortunately at this speed catching him means galloping up beside him and grabbing his reins.

Me: "Oh, God dammit!”

I’m forced to try to cut Charlie off before he hits the road, when we got close enough to be neck and neck I drop my own reins and make a desperate grasp for Charlies. Amazingly I actually managed to grab them and get him stopped. By this time I saw my boss driving up to the fallen rider. I made it over to them while still panting and leading charlie.

My boss: “Well it looks like everyone’s okay here so we’ll just get him back on and get you back to your riders.”
Me:  *Through clenched teeth* “Are. You. Serious?”
Boss: “Yep. Let’s go.”

I very unhappily help him get back on Charlie who’s still all worked up and dancing around. We finally made our way back to the others and start off again after I apologize to the other riders for the delay and inconvenience. Ten minutes later I notice Charlie starting to trot up next to me.

Me: “* mumbles* ‘Oh hell no.’ *Loudly& "Sir. Pull back on your reins. NOW.”
No response.

Me: “If you don’t start listening to me I’m going to have to put you on a lead line instead of this young man.”
Man: “You cant do that! I’m a grown man and you cant treat me like a child!”*continues trotting*
Me: “No, no, you know what? Screw this.  You’re acting worse than any of the children on this ride and I’m putting you on the lead line.”
Man: "I'm an adult! You can't do that!"
 He kicks charlie who starts tossing his head and moving up the line again.

My patience is past done so I grab his reins and clip on the lead rope.

My boss who’s still waiting for us to go by to make sure everything's okay sees the man on the line and drives up to me.

Boss: “Don’t you think that’s unnecessary?”
Me: “Nope.”
Boss: “Really, take him off the line, this is embarrassing.”
Me: “It sure is.”
Boss: “Oh, come on...”
Me: “You want rider or do you want to keep a wrangler?”
Boss: *shrugs* “Alright.”

During all of this the man is still protesting and we’re not even halfway done with the ride. When we eventually finish, with the man still being led, he stumbles off and nearly falls.

Man: “Come’on honey, let’s go.”
The couple gets in the car and I stare open mouthed as they prepare to drive completely intoxicated.
Me: *scribbles*
Boss: “What’re you doing?”
Me: “Taking their god damn number so I can call the cops. I don’t give a damn if they want to kill themselves but I’m not going to let them kill anyone else.”
Boss: “Oh.”
Me: “And I want a raise.”


Unbelievably she came back a few months later, although thankfully without the man from hell.

Me *spotting her*: “Hell no. No way. I refuse.”
Boss: “She doesn’t seem drunk today, just take her out.”
Her: “Hi! I want a different horse than last time.”
Me: *with a look at my boss* “Sure! We just got this really sweet new horse, I'm sure you'll love her name’s Goldie!” I then led her up to Nugget...

A trail guide does not give out that many chances without revenge. I didn't actually put her up on Nugget of course, since Brownie did such a good job of keeping her under control. Also because I did not want to deal with that.


In addition to those kinds of crazy people, we also had people who exist to prove my theory- horse parents that must want their kids to die.

A mini van pulled into the driveway and I figured it was just going to be the same family style ride we do all the time. When the door opened a woman walked out, rather heavily pregnant and holding a baby that was maybe a year or so old, followed by her husband and children. I assumed that the mother was going to wait inside during the ride since we do not allow children under the age of four to go out on the trails and it's not really safe for a pregnant woman to ride either.

Plus, how're you going to fit that comfortably in a western saddle? You can't, that's how.

Now imagine my surprise when she says she’s riding as well as her young baby. The conversation went as followed.

Me “Mam , I’m afraid I cannot allow you to go on the ride today.”
Woman: “What? Why not?!”
Me: “Well because frankly it wouldn't be safe.”
Woman: “I’m not going to fall off.”
Me: “Well no one plans on falling off but that doesn't mean it wont happen. Our insurance says that we cannot allow children under the age of four to ride the horses.”
Woman “Cant you make an exception?”
Me “No, it wouldn't be safe. To be blunt, I've been riding all of my life, I know these horses and their behaviors and I still wouldn't take my child out on them, much less an unknown horse and trail. You don't know these horses or these trails and that is way, way too dangerous.”
Woman: "So will someone be here so I can have someone watch him while I ride?"
Me: "It's not exactly safe for you to ride either but while I really can't stop you, unfortunately we are also unable to watch your child for you while you're gone."
Woman “So I cant go on the ride?”
Me “No, but you can wait inside where it’s air conditioned and comfortable.”
Woman: "This is ridiculous..."
Me: "I couldn't agree more..."

Horse songs

So I like to sing to my horses, they like the consistency and repetition... even if they don't like my voice. I can't sing and won't pretend that I can. The Boy- who actually can sing- firmly believes that I secretly can and just refuse to. This is because I have never sang (sung?) around him, and I don't ever intend to. His little sister can also sing and is studying to become an opera singer.  I lip sync when I go to their house and everyone starts singing. It's a family event. My own family... well, let's just say that we are not a musically blessed people.

  In fact, if my horses start getting nervous I threaten to sing to them if they don't stop it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. So what do I sing to them you ask? Lullaby's, catchy songs, nursery rhymes, and these.

Here's my favorite one:

(To the tune of- Oh Lord Wont You Buy Me)

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a horsey that bends.
My friends all ride warmbloods, I must make amends.
I practice my leg yields, each evenin 'til ten.
So, oh Lord, won't you buy me a horsey that bends.

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that won't buck
I'm tired of trying to land standing up.
I spend all my time, brushing dirt off my butt.
So oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that won't buck.

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that won't bite.
I count all my fingers and toes every night.
I feel like a carrot, when I'm in his sight.
So oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that won't bite.

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse with a brain.
Mine is scared of his own shadow, it's driving me insane.
I ask him to do things, but he forgets his own name
So oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse with a brain.

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that stays clean.
I brush him, I groom him, I've considered chlorine.
His color's too chestnut for a horse with grey genes.
So oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that stays clean.

Oh Lord, won't you give him some hindquarter drive.
This horse is so lazy, I'm not sure he's alive.
We bend and we circle, 'til way, way past five.
So oh Lord, won't you give him some hindquarter drive.

My additional verse:
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a clicker trained horse?
I'm tired of fightin', it's just the worst!
I'm on a first name basis with the hospital nurse.
So oh Lord, won't you buy me a clicker trained horse?

Gaited horse song:
Everything you can do we can do smoother!
We can do everything smoother than you.
Any cue you can do, we can do softer,
We can do everything softer than you!
Any gait you can trot, I can trot faster!
We can gait anywhere faster than you.
Any way you can bond, we can bond tighter
We will always bond better than you.
Anything you can learn we can learn quicker
We can learn anything quicker than you!


TB song:
Anything you can jump we can jump higher!
We can jump everything higher than you.
Anything you can do we can do faster,
We can go everywhere faster than you.
Any move you can do we can do better
We can do everything more collected than you!


Arabian:
Anything you can do we can do longer,
We will always last longer than you.
Anywhere you can go we can go better
We have gone everywhere way before you.
Any age you can live we can live longer
We will always be older than you.

Any the fugly horse of the day song, which I can't remember and it's driving me crazy! It's the one about crazy color breeders.. If anyone recalls it let me know! Or if anyone has any more good ones, let me know!

Hey! I found it! Awesome.

Do you like a colored horse?
Of course I like a colored horse!
I like it with a great big head!
I like it better gold than red!
I like it with a neck that’s short!
I like the most post-legged sort!
I like it with a fluffy tail!
We’ll look so pretty down the trail!
Do you want a horse with some panache?
Better bring a lot of cash!
I like it fat, I like it bony!
I like it if it’s just a pony!
Crooked legs? I do not care!
As long as it’s got lots of hair!
I like it short as well as tall!
I like it with no hip at all!
Camped out hocks? No cause for gripes,
Just focus on the tiger stripes!
I like it with a neck that’s stumpy
And withers that are really lumpy
I like it with a pie-shaped head
If it’s got spots, it should be bred!
Got babies now, all set to go!
Got to sell before the snow!
Bring your trailer, don’t delay!
(I need the money to buy hay)
Three in one, what a steal!
Don’t miss out on this great deal!
Come and buy, if you fail
I’ll have to take them to the sale
The market’s bad, no one’s buying
It’s not my fault if they wind up dying
Anyway, never fear…
Got twelve more foals on the way next year!

Also holy shit, I apparently did write down stories when I was trail guiding and actually have a 16 page file of them that I just found. So be prepared for more of the stories that might actually be relevant to my name! 

Petting versus patting

I've noticed this a lot when I watch people interact with their horse. They so often 'pat' their horse instead of petting them, stroking them. I have found very few horses who actually enjoy being patted, most accept it with the kind of look you might give your great aunt if she pinched your cheek and said how cute you are. You tolerate it and put on a smile, but you're doing this for their benefit.

I've seen more horses tolerate petting for the sake of their rider than I'd care to. Now I can understand the desirability of patting, I enjoy the sound and the feeling, but I very rarely do it, because to a horse, it isn't the reward we intend it to be. A calm stroking motion, especially in the places another horse would mutually groom, is a much better reward.

This horse says: I enjoy this and find it calming. 

I've tried telling people that their horses body language says that they were not enjoying being pat, only to have owners say that no, their horse loved being pat! He really enjoys it! While the horse is screaming- I don't find this soothing, reassuring or pleasant. I have seen very few horses who disliked a soothing stoking motion and didn't begin to relax. (There are all kinds of insights with this in the T-Touch training method) In general, while they can and do learn that the patting is supposed to be a reward over time, they seem to find it irritating. Every horse is different; for example one of my horses adores having his forehead scratched and pet, and another intensely dislikes it. She'll tolerate it- IF she has to. But she lets you know, by turning her face away, that she prefers having her neck rubbed. I have found that quite a few horses do dislike having their face rubbed or pet by a stranger.

This horse says: I enjoy this. I feel safe here. 

This horse says:  I probably would not be here if you weren't holding the reins, I'm tolerating this because I've been told to. Please try something different. 

When it comes down to it, we don't care for people to get right up in our face and space before getting to know them (or even after really) so why would our horses? It's also kind of a dismissive gesture- usually done when we're around other people. To me is says: "I don't have time to pay attention to what you like and prefer, I'm focusing on other things this is cool too right?"  I don't see the patting as often when people are alone with their horses. It's interesting

In reality, the pat is a rather aggressive move on our part, it's the action of a predator, and it isn't something one horse would do to another in friendship. In fact, even the motion and sound of a pat isn't reassuring to a scared or nervous horse. I mean, does anybody actually enjoy getting a pat on the back? Really?

So why do so many people do it? How can they not see that many horses are not getting the message they're trying to send? It's a lot like giving a horse a kiss on the muzzle or neck, affectionate to us, but an aggressive or playful move if it was coming from another horse. Sure, they can learn that it's a sign of affection and begin to enjoy it. But again, they're doing it for our benefit.

They really do a lot of things for our benefit. Sometimes I think it's amazing that they put up with us, with all our misunderstandings, miscommunications and fumbles. They really are amazing creatures.

Now here's a dose of pretty to brighten your day:

Trail guide problems

Trail guiding. I'm going to be doing some of it abroad, hopefully anyway, and I was just remembering some of the less lovely bits of the job. Now most of those things were related to having a less than ideal boss (I once spent 45 minutes on the phone with them trying to talk them through copy and pasting an email address. I wish I was joking. In the end they decided it was too complicated and they'd just call the people in the morning.) and many of those things were due to having a poorly run place filled with inefficiency.

But what just now popped into my head were some of the misunderstandings that riders give when they try and ask things they think are 'horsey' without really knowing about them.
Here are a few:

Rider: "Is my horse a boy or a girl?"
Me: "Your horse is a mare- a girl.''
Rider: "Ooh, and what about my friend?"
Me: "It's a boy."
Rider- to friend: "Hey! Guess what? You're riding a stallion!"
Me: "What? Oh, no, she's on a gelding actually. We don't keep stallions here."
Rider: *blank stare* "A what?
Me: "A Gelding. It's a male horse that's been gelded- castrated."
Rider: "Huh?"
Me: "Err, he's been fixed. He's had his manly bits removed."
Rider: *Blushing* "Oh! Oh my."
Me: "Yeah, we like to call it brain surgery."

Here's another one:

Rider: "Excuse me, Miss?"
Me: "Yes? What can I do for you?"
Rider: "I was just wondering if we could gallop! I've always wanted to."
Me: "Uhhh... .. .. I'm not sure if you're quite ready for a gallop but we could try trotting?"
Rider: "What's that?"
Me: "Faster than a walk but slower than a gallop."
Rider: *disappointed* "Oh, okay."

What I heard:

What I think they mean:

What they really mean:

What they look like: (Just kidding. Their seat and hands were much worse and they were usually gripping the horn for dear life.)

After trotting:

Rider: "Yeah! See, that's what I meant!"

Me: "Oh, okay. Glad to help out then!"

Rider: "I can't wait to go home and tell all my friends I got to gallop!" 

Me: *Face-palm* 

Rider: "I want that one!"
Me: "Well, she's for experienced riders only, are you an experienced rider?"
Rider: "Well, I've been on a few trail rides, so kind of!"
Me: "I think you'd prefer this horse over here actually.."
Rider: "Why? Are they different?"
Me: "... ... ... Yes. They have different temperaments and personalities."
Rider: "They DO?!"
Me: "... ... Yes. They aren't robots."
Rider: "Wow, I had no idea! I thought the only thing different was the color."
Me: "Er, no, they're all pretty different."
Rider: "Is that related to color?"
Me: ".... No."
Rider: "Oooh..."

This next story involved a mother with a birthday party and several small children. Our oldest kids horse went missing that morning, my boss was late so I had to open, my ride came early and I was still saddling the horses. I'd looked for the mare earlier with no luck.

Woman: "Excuse me? Are you in charge here?"
Me: "Yes 'mam, I am right now."
Woman: "Oh, okay I think I talked to your boss. The person I talked to said you'd have enough horses for all the kids to go on one ride?"
Me *cringing and counting* "Well, it looks like one of them might have to ride double with another child. Although I would strongly advise that you split the children into two groups- not all of the horses we have are really suitable for young children. The price would still be the same."
Woman: "What? Why do they have to double? I was told there would be enough horses and that I should ask for one named Silver because she was the best kids horse."
Me: *grimacing* "Normally we would have enough, although as I've said, not all of them are the best kids horses, but Silver actually went missing this morning. I couldn't find her."
Woman: "This is unacceptable! I'm calling your boss! I want Silver."
Me: "I'm sorry but she's  the one'missing'."
Woman: *Glaring*
Me: *sighing* "I tell you what, let me hop on nugget quickly and go look one more time."

 I leave to canter Nugget to the pasture and do a search around. I see no sign of her at all.

Me: " 'Mam, I'm sorry but I just can't find her. As for the kids and figuring out the ride limits, this actually isn't really my job- it's my boss' but he isn't here right now, so it's just me running things."
Woman: "I just don't understand why you can't find her. They said the kids could ride Silver."
Me: "Err, could I talk to you over here? Away from the kids?"
Woman: "Fine."
Me: "Look, I'm going to be honest. Silver is pretty old, about 32, we don't use her a whole lot and I wouldn't be really surprised if she wandered down somewhere and passed away. The grass is pretty high and it'd be hard to spot her body."
Woman: " *getting it* Ooohhhh.. I see. Well then, okay, what else can we do?"
I was just starting to explain other options when my boss finally pulled up. I promptly told him to deal with it and went back to tacking up the horses.

Side note:

During a lull in traffic I went to search for Silvers body again. I went on foot this time and went to the back of the pasture where there is a fairly deep ditch and a creek. Turns out there are also little places of land that are hidden from the main pasture. I found Silver in one of these, very much alive and looking extraordinarily pleased with herself.



I mentioned before, I believe, that my horse, Nugget, didn't like strangers, was partially moon blind, and had a bit of a nasty temper, she really disliked men but didn't like anyone other than me coming by 'her' tree. She got her own space away from the others.

Adding in my saddle really decreased the number of people asking to ride her.

This tree is Nugget's tree. 

Anyway, during the Halloween season the farm next to ours had a pumpkin patch, corn maze, etc. So we got a lot of people who wanted to come pet the horses. Which is okay, except for Nuggs. So we put a sign up saying 'Do NOT pet. Not friendly to strangers. Horse will bite.' 

It didn't really help. 

One interaction with a rider:

Woman with young daughter: "Ooh, look at the pretty gold one honey, she's gorgeous! Let's go pet her."

Me: "Actually 'mam, she doesn't really like strangers and may bite, however you can pet one of the other horses."
Woman: "No, no, horses like me! I'm good with horses." *Keeps walking towards Nugget.*

Nugget has her ears up for part of it (but her look is not friendly) but they keep inching back the closer the woman comes.

Me: "That's nice, but I know this mare, and she was abused and doesn't like strangers in her space. Please don't try and pet her."
Woman: "It's okay, she likes me!"
Me: "Really, you can pet any other horse besides that one but that one WILL bite you if you get too close." (She wouldn't always but if you interrupted nap time during a really busy day, she got grumpy quick. Plus this woman seemed to think that she was the horse whisperer or something.)
Woman: "Oh, it's fine..."

Me: *Giving up and figuring it serves her right to get bitten at that point*

She finally gets close enough to start reaching out a hand to pet her when Nuggets ears went from curious forward to flat back and she snaked out her head to try and bite the woman's hand.
Woman: "OH MY GOD! She tried to bite me!"
Me: "Yes, she doesn't like strangers."
Woman: "You shouldn't have such dangerous horses where people can pet them!"
Me: "I completely agree, you should tell my boss that."
Woman: "Well, you should at least have signs telling people that she's dangerous!"
Me: (With my best 'are you fucking serious' face) "There is a sign. Right there. On the tree. There's also me. Right here, telling people to please not pet her."
Woman: *Leaves in a huff*


 Rider: "Oh my god! My horse just did something! What'd she do?!"
Me: "She sneezed, it's not a big deal."
Rider: "No, she's trying to tell me something! She's talking to me. What's she trying to say?!"
Me: *seeing an opportunity* "Oh, well, she's trying to tell you that she'd like more rein because yours are a little too tight." (I'd told her this at least 3 times by this point with no luck.)
Rider: "Omg, I'm soo sorry!"


Rider: "Why does my horse keep wanting to put it's head down?"
Me: "They like the fresh grass, they've already been fed this morning though."
Rider: "Should I let him eat? He must be hungry."
Me: "They always do this actually, because too many riders have let them get away with it. It's a bad habit and dangerous with a bit in. He's okay, I promise."
Rider: "Okay......."

*A while later*

Rider: "Help! I can't get my horses head up and he wont stop jerking it down to the ground!"
Me: "...Did you let him eat after I told you not to?"
Rider: *guiltily*  "Umm.... maybe....."
Me: *sighing* "Well that's why then.  It's basically 'if you give a mouse a cookie, he's going want a glass of milk...' Once you let them once, they're going to drive you nuts the rest of the ride."
Rider: "Well what can I do?!"
Me: "Don't let them eat. You can put the reins over the horn, where the knot in them is, and then they can't get their head down.... They'll stop pulling eventually."

At the end of the ride:
Me: "So, what'd we learn?"
Rider: "Put the reins over the horn!"
Me: ".... I... Er... ... ... ... Oh, whatever."


One day a baby calf died in the cattle pasture we ride through- the farm hands hadn't picked up the carcass yet. Sure enough, my first ride had little kids on it and we had to ride by the calf. I was hoping that they wouldn't see it... No such luck.

Adult rider: "Hey, what's that over there?"
Me: "Oh. Uh, it's a calf."
Rider: *quietly* "Is it dead?"
Me: "Yes 'mam, it happens some times."
Rider: "Oh god. I hope the children don't notice it..."
Me: "I was trying to avoid them seeing it..."
Other adult rider: "Death is so sad. Especially when it happens to one so young."
*Conversation about sad deaths and emotions*
Kid: "What's that thing?"
Me: "Oh... Well, that's a calf sweetie."
Kid: "Why's it over there by itself? Is it sick?"
Me: *sadly* "Well, no not exactly."
Kid: "Oh. Is it dead?"
Me: "Yes, I'm afraid it is. It must have had an accident or got sick last night and passed away."
The kid is silent for a moment and I think we're about to have a crying child.
Kid: *In an extremely matter of fact voice* "Is it decomposing?"

Kids man, kids are crazy. The adults were way more upset about it than the kid was. I don't know if they just understand the finality of death more or if the child was just really okay with the facts of life.

You know you're a horse owner when:

You see it's pouring down rain and getting colder by the minute- so you rush out to scoop up all the manure before it gets ground into the pasture for ever and becomes 'The Slop'.

You stop watching the Oscars to go into the ice rain (it's not snow, so let's not even pretend) and re-blanket the one horse who doesn't have on a waterproof blanket.

You are ridiculously happy that all of your horses are barefoot right now, so you don't have to pick out ice balls from their shoes.

You climb over the icy fence, by balancing on a half frozen lawn chair, because the gate is frozen shut and you can't open the latch.

You see that the horses still have hay in their bags but you put more in the slow feeders anyway because it's going to be extra cold tonight.

You do all of this with fogged up glasses, in your pajamas (tucked into your tall muck boots), because this is just a part of being a horse owner.

Then you stop wondering why you're more responsible than all of your city friends.