Rule one: . "People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it might be true.- People are stupid; they can only rarely tell the difference between a lie and the truth, and yet they are confident they can, and so are all the easier to fool."(Wizards First Rule)
Let me begin by saying that I love sassy, grumpy, snarky horse blogs. They are my guilty addiction- my worst addictions being Fugly, SnarkyRider and Mugwump. Dealing with the painful number of idiotic people in the horse world just brings out the very worst of my sass and I just cant keep it to myself. I work with horses from kill sales and the people I meet there are on par for stupidity with many of the people I dealt with as a trail guide.
I have amassed many stories over the years of people who make me burst into laughter or cause my jaw to drop so far I feel it may become disconnected.
There are several types of people you meet as a trail guide, some of them are lovely and most of them are atrocious.
Type one: The Anxious Eddy.
This person is constantly asking what the heck their horse is doing, why its doing it and how the hell do they make it stop. This person is oddly incredibly likely to never pick their reins up off the saddle horn or alternatively they will have a death grip on the reins. They will emit a blood curdling shriek if their horse trips, sneezes or takes a step out of line. They are usually the people who get talked into coming by a horse crazy child or friend and are convinced that their horse is galloping- when in reality it is at a lazy jog.
Type two: The Dangerously Overconfident.
This rider is usually younger (or drunk) and is convinced that they are invincible and an amazing rider- even if they have never touched a horse before. They are sure that they can handle any gait on any horse and are eager to try- even if that means sneaking past the guide for a high speed adventure out on their own. They believe themselves to be cowboys or girls and will refuse to believe you when you tell them something is too dangerous. While it is satisfying to watch them fall off, it is unprofessional and should probably be avoided, more importantly it leads to a lot of annoying paperwork. (Whatever horse they rode should be given a carrot or apple after putting up with them.)
Type Three: The Valley Girl.
Ah, this is the girl who will show up in a mini skirt and heels. (Note, when we say please wear heels, we are referring to boots, not stilettos.) They are most commonly seen on and around valentines day or anniversaries when some well meaning significant other takes them on a surprise date. They will spend the ride complaining that the horse is smelly and the trail is dirty or that they are going to ruin their expensive clothes. They are almost always afraid of horses- so ask your partner how they feel about horses before scheduling a date, not all girls are horse crazy by nature.
Type Four: The City Slicker.
This usually refers to the type of person who comes out to have a relaxing ride and get away from the city but I am using to to refer to the person who uses at as a chance to continue work- via smartphone... on horseback. They will be too busy to get off their phone and will ignore you the entire ride- unless they lose signal when they will promptly ask you how much longer until the end. You must resist the temptation to take them under a low tree branch as they are sometimes actually important business people or government officials. (Or in the worst case, foreign diplomats. *shudder*)
The other type is the one who knows they're a city slicker and just want you to let them pretend to be a cowboy for a day- they usually tip VERY well. Lawyers are particularly fond of this and will be overjoyed to find loopholes in your contract for fun (do NOT let them fall off), this person will be thrilled if you put them in "traditional" clothing.
One person paid me $10 to wear my beat up, dirty old cowboy hat for an hour. These people are slightly crazy and highly amusing. They go wild if you lead them in old western songs, let them move cattle or let them yell 'yee-haw!'.
Type Five: The Doting Family.
Also known as SGS- spoiled grandchild syndrome. The child will always be an atrocious little shit followed by a parent or grandparent with two regular cameras and possibly a video camera. The relative will ignore you and spend the entire ride happily snapping thousands of shots of their wretched spawn annoying the living hell out of you. The child will ask constant questions- and usually follow those question with "Why?" "Why?" "But whyyyyyyyy?" until you want to strangle them and they know it. They always very harsh to their horses and rude to the guides or other guests but by god, their relative will think they are the most precious little thing to ever walk the planet. You know you have one of these children when the car opens and they walk out in shiny pink chaps with matching vest, plastic hat and boots. They will immediately demand the horse they find prettiest and do not care if you say it is unsuitable for them. Their relative will want to know why they can't have the one they want and may or may not throw a hissy fit. If you have a partner, rock paper scissors is usually the best way to determine who has to put up with them for an hour. Sudden injury also works, bonus points if you pretend it was the horse the kid wanted.
Type Six: The "Horse Whisperer"
Ah, now this is a personal favorite of mine. This is the person who has never had horses or lessons outside of camp but has watched sappy horsey movies and read all the Black Stallion series and is now convinced that they can bond with any horse. (They may have even seen a natural horsemanship special on HDTV) There is NO point in telling them to stay away from a certain horse as they will not listen to logic. They will seek out the worst horse- usually your mount or one in training- and try to 'join up'. If your grumpy mount is like mine (who had no business being there) the horse will show pretty darn clear signs of annoyance- ears back, head tossing and tail swishing, in an attempt to make them go away. The person will not notice and eventually the horse may end up trying to bite or strike at them. When this happens they will blame you for not warning them. Even if there are signs saying "Do not pet this horse" right next to them. Giving the *are you serious?* face is appropriate here.
Type Seven: The Barrel Racer
This is the person who may or may not have horses or friends with horses and has "done 4H or barrels". (I'm not picking on ALL barrel racers, just the all the one's I've met.) They will want your spunkiest horse and are sure they are the worlds best riders. Usually this person cannot ride for shit. They are bouncing all over the place and may even be choking their horse- they will never listen when you try to offer advice. Do not assume that they can ride well just because they say so. Do not for any reason, give them a spunky horse- unless you want them tossed.. They will also spend the ride confidently telling you riding tips or training advice they 'know'. Even if they've never had a lesson in their lives and have never trained a horse. If possible, make them be last in line- telling them it's because you need an 'experienced' person there to watch for problems will work great.
Type Eight: The Equestrian
This person is a godsend; they are like a drink of cool water on a hot day. They say they can ride and they can! They usually ride English and show. Some may have their own competition horses who just do not do trails and some may even be old guides themselves. They can handle any horse on your string and you can actually have fun with them.
Type Nine: The Excited Beginner
This person can actually be quite enjoyable as they know they are beginners and will frequently ask for riding advice and appropriate horse choices. They come because they want experience before getting a horse. If they ask for your advice, give it wisely, if they don't....
Type Ten: The Dangerous Drunk
I don't know who thought booze and horses mixed well, but they should be shot. In the face. Repeatedly. They are frequently college students or middle aged men. They were nervous so they had a little liquid courage before showing up. This makes their terrible riding even worse. They will nearly always fall off, scream, or try to race their horses.
If you can, do not take them out. It's safer. If your boss, like mine, makes you anyway, demand double your usual rate for putting up with their shit. If they say no, tell them to find another trail guide and train them in ten minutes. If you are forced to babysit their drunk asses, bring a lead rope. Feel free to attach it to the halter of whatever human is acting the stupidest. After the ride you should give your horses extra treats. (There will be more D.D. stories to come, I promise.)
So this is post one, my own experiences with people with a little sass thrown in. Other posts will probably be picking apart terrible horse ads or putting up the god awful responses I've gotten when selling a horse. Also regular auction reports. Other post's will probably be offensive.... this is the internet. If you don't like it- click the X in the corner. Thanks
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