No horses for stupid people- part one

I get lots of email that requires multiple readings just to understand them, from people 'interested' in buying one of my horses. Which makes me want to put a section in the ad saying 'no stupid people need apply' or 'please use spell check.'

For your bored reading entertainment, here are some of the better, or worse, emails I've gotten and of course, my reaction. Names, dates and locations have been edited for privacy. *- indicates the response I wish I could send, but don't. 

1.Buyer: Hello i am interested in the gelding posted above kindly get back if its still available for sale

Me: Yes we still have him, is there anything you wanted to know?

B:Thank you.

Can i know a little more about her and the lowest asking price

When last was it checked up by the doc

whats is the lowest price you can go for me

My plans it, its gonna be my first child, the best care i have not giving my self or my kids , i will give, cos my father had many those days when we where young and he told us many things about horses generally and i will do exactly how he does to his horses cos he took care of them than he did to us, i just wanna have it for my self and its gonna been something my children too have to understand as i understood pets.

I understood pets as my father trained me and see the senses ion them

he even told us they are human being as we are they just came in another shape, its something i have really desire for long.

so its gonna have the best care no one has in my house and if you like, you can come after a yr when i get it and see the best care it has

I have movers i can use, cos i dont want anything to happen to it, i have a company that works for my father in shipping his pets and i trust their service cos they are very careful and they do pets like human being, so no problem,

I am really interested in buying.

I am from Maryland, i have a shipper that takes care of my shipments

i would not mind if i see as much as possible pictures, at least even show my kids our new family member. as i will want it done asap Please get back to me asap.

Regards.

Me: Hello, I do not feel that someone who does not give the best possible care to their children (alleged) before or while still having animals could take the proper care of a horse after it stopped being 'new and shiny'. Therefore we cannot and will not sell you (Horse). Reading your email was extremely difficult as the grammar and spelling make it impossible to comprehend, also you have several conflicting statements; please consider spell check and proofreading in the future. As an Equine Psyche student I feel the need to mention that horses are NOT human beings in different forms. While they unquestionably have distinct personalities, thoughts and souls they do not have the same thinking process as humans. Humans are predators by nature while horses are and will behave as a prey species; everything from their reasoning to their eye sight is separate from our own. The outdated belief that they think and should act as we humans do is the cause of frustration and disharmony between horse and owner; as a (re)trainer I needed to explain this.

Please do not reply back.

This was my real response, is it just me or does that person seem like a hoarder in waiting? 

2.

Buyer: Hi! We are intrested in (Horse). We would like to know . If you would meat us West Mem. That would be about half way for us.  We are about 165 miles from West Mem. We have ben riding Arb's for 13 years. But he will go to a pro trainner. We are trail riders. Can you send more pictures? Thanks Phyllis

Hi! My husbend and I would like to come and see (Horse)  this weekend. If it is ok. I dont know if you got my last message. We are trail riders we are in our 50's we ride on weekends and camp on hollidays. I traided my horse of 13 years to a good friend for a young horse she is 6. My husbends horse is 21 and needs to be retired . If we bye (Horse) He will be my husbends last horse . Thease horse should be with us till we stop riding. Then thay will be paster art. [smile] But we plan on riding till way after we retire. [smile] My husbends old horse will go camping still he will go on short rids (Horse) will go to the best trainer in our area. We have 7 ackers and a nice barn he will have the best that we can give him . We also show at our county shows. Please call me So you can meet us and we can meat (Horse). Thanks 

-me; The actual content in this email is really quite nice but the spelling and grammar gets this email a place here.

 *thoughts* Meat? Why do you want to meat my horse?!  I think not. What the hell is an acker? I'm not going to lie, (Horse) would look pretty epic posing as a holy pastor for some pictures. Secondly, no I will not deliver him. If you cant find a way to come get the horse then dont look outside of your ideal driving range. There's a thing in the search engine that says how far you're willing to travel.  I am not going to make deals on the price because you were looking outside of your range and 'fell in love' immediately. Tough. Work it out or dont look.

. B: Please call so we can speak more about the horse

me: *No email included.   FAIL!

.B: Hello Seller, I want to know if this Horse still available for sale,If still get back to me with your asking price and the present condition of it. Thanks and Get back

Me: * 1. Asking price is listed. 2. See the section saying not sold? There you go. 3rd. Condition of 'it'? Pretty sure he's a living creature, and a male. Oh and the condition? ALIVE and healthy. 

4th. Just because it doesnt say "Am in India; I will send you $2,000 more than asking price if once shipped you send 1,000 back as insurance" doesnt make it scream SCAM!!! any less.

B: .Hi. I had seen your ad and was wondering if you were considering any trades for your horse. I have a Registered AQHA Appendix Mare. Her color is Dun and she has a dark line down her back. She is 7 years old and is 14.3 hands tall. We got her as a trade and she doesn't fit our kind of riding. She is broke to ride, has been a trail horse her whole life. She is very smart and would be a great horse to teach whatever you wanted to do. She does not have a job therefore I have been teaching her the barrel pattern just so she will have something to do. In her bloodline their are Superior Cutting and Western Pleasure horses. Midge would be a great Prospect for Barrels, Poles, Broodmare, Cutting, Reining, Cow Work, Jumping, Western Pleasure and Competition Trail Riding. She is up to date on Coggins and shots. Loads, ties, hauls, no bite, no kick. We need to sell her soon due to being out of work and Unemployment running out soon. We will consider all offers.  Thank You

me: Hey now, i'm pretty sure I'm the one selling the horse here, not you. You will get no offers from me. Hello downsizing herd? Doesnt mean I need even more horses so a trade would do me no good. Finally; your unemployment's running out? You need to sell your horse very badly for cash? Oh yeah that really makes me want to give you my rescue horse. Oh wait....

7. hope is till avilable for sale?

me: wait... what? How is that a question? 

8. Is this the lowest you will take for this horse? I rode her before you bought her & know she rides very well. Thank you for your time Linda

me: She most certainly did not ride well at all. Trust me. She was crazy, attacked her handlers and wouldnt move. When I got her I had to work with with me inside a steel pen and her outside. Now she's quiet and responsive, can be ridden bareback in a halter and does a variety of tricks. 

9. Hello , I am ________, I'm interested in the purchase of your Horse advertised for sale, I will like you to get back to me if it is still available for sale and tell me more about the Horse and if possible, i would like to know the reason why selling it and i will like you to tell your best offer for it. Warm regards. 

me: It's all in the ad. You should actually read it. Really. Also I wish people would quit calling my horses 'its'! They have genders... and names! (But that requires reading the ad)

11. ive boughten the wrong horse and ive been drooling after seeing (Horse)i think it is a great match

me: Really?  I dont.

12. m ________,I'm a woman of 27yrs,I was born in saint marys, Georgia,(USA).I'm 5.7ft,average body build,single woman... love to be Reading,Dancing,camping,Swmimming,listen to music...I will like to be married to manof my choice ,single or divorced man,that is serious about himself and wont cheat on me as my ex did to me,I will like you to get back to me if im okay by you.

me: No you are not okay by me. This isn't a dating site! All I know is you cannot have my horse for your next husband as she is female and a horse, sorry.

13. Hello Seller, I am ________r by name i am interest in buying your item on the site....I desire to be the next owner because I want to buy for my would cousin. For his wedding ceremony Coming up in June because he is a horse lover...so i will be so happy to know if the Horse is still for sale.. I hope to hear from you soon. Thank You! Dr. _______

me: What's a 'would cousin'?

 (Spam don't get to be edited out)

14. Am Mr. Nick Willys, Managing Director of Crystal Construction Limited, i saw your positing on horseclicks.com about your Horse, let me know the price and payment term. Hope to get your immediate reply soonest. Regards, Mr. Nickolas Willys meetnickwillys@yahoo.com

me:  I really hate getting spam.

B:  I'm looking for a gaited horse for trail riding. My aunt and uncle have all paso finos and I will be riding with them. All of their horses are gaited as well. I'm looking for a gentle easy going horse that I don't have to beg to keep up with the rest of the horses in the group. She will be my only horse and will get all the attention and all the riding hours. If you include all supplies, including her saddle and bridle I'd be very interested in her at your asking price.

me: Hello, *Clearly you didn't read the ad.*

(Horse) would never need to be begged to keep up, with her speed, endurance and brio she much prefers to lead actually. I dont know that I'd call her easy going as she is the epitome of Brio and her Spanish ancestry. 

The saddle I normally use costs over $600 and is a special paso fino saddle, another of the saddles I use is an endurance saddle that cost about $400+, and my last saddle is a cashel soft saddle that I got specifically for my arthritic gelding. The pad is orthopedic and costs well over $130, the bit alone costs over $50 used, so including them is not practical especially since I'm NOT getting out of horses; just downsizing my pasture. Her price is actually very very low for a peruvian, much less one of her looks, gait and training so I think that it's more than fair.

16. (Response to a very energetic/hot mare)

B: Hi, I am 11. Me and my dad are looking for a younger horse for me . The one I have now is getting old but still lots of spunck in her!...but we arelooking for another one! I am a experienced rider . I have been riding since I was 4! Thank you! Hope you caan get back to me! Erin

Me: I  would not feel comofortable putting someone of you age on her, nothing personal by any means, she's just a LOT of horse. Which is why she's listed as a horse for intermediate to experienced riders.

* I also started riding when I was 4, and unless you've been doing serious dressage the entire time I just dont think you could really ride her..*

17. Hi! I was wondering if 200 or four hundred would cover it. since im only eleven - about (horse above)

( same kid about another peruvian)

Hi! im eleven and love horses! I was wondering if you could give her to me for 200 dollars because I'd have to keep her in a near by boarding farm in washington state

me: (I didnt actually bother replying to this one as neither horse was near to that price range or suitable) That's not how money works hunnie. Do what I did; work your ass off every summer at any odd job or place that would hire you for enough years until you can afford to buy and keep your  own horse. No one ever gave me a discount because I was young. Also, do you have any idea how much shipping is?!

The types of people you meet as a trail guide.

Rule one: . "People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it might be true.- People are stupid; they can only rarely tell the difference between a lie and the truth, and yet they are confident they can, and so are all the easier to fool."(Wizards First Rule) 

Let me begin by saying that I love sassy, grumpy, snarky horse blogs. They are my guilty addiction- my worst addictions being Fugly, SnarkyRider and Mugwump. Dealing with the painful number of idiotic people in the horse world just brings out the very worst of my sass and I just cant keep it to myself. I work with horses from kill sales and the people I meet there are on par for stupidity with many of the people I dealt with as a trail guide. 
I have amassed many stories over the years of people who make me burst into laughter or cause my jaw to drop so far I feel it may become disconnected.  

There are several types of people you meet as a trail guide, some of them are lovely and most of them are atrocious. 
Type one: The Anxious Eddy. 
This person is constantly asking what the heck their horse is doing, why its doing it and how the hell do they make it stop. This person is oddly incredibly likely to never pick their reins up  off the saddle horn or alternatively they will have a death grip on the reins. They will emit a blood curdling shriek if their horse trips, sneezes or takes a step out of line. They are usually the people who get talked into coming by a horse crazy child or friend and are convinced that their horse is galloping- when in reality it is at a lazy jog. 

Type two: The Dangerously Overconfident.
 This rider is usually younger (or drunk) and is convinced that they are invincible and an amazing rider- even if they have never touched a horse before. They are sure that they can handle any gait on any horse and are eager to try- even if that means sneaking past the guide for a high speed adventure out on their own. They believe themselves to be cowboys or girls and will refuse to believe you when you tell them something is too dangerous. While it is satisfying to watch them fall off, it is unprofessional and should probably be avoided, more importantly it leads to a lot of annoying paperwork. (Whatever horse they rode should be given a carrot or apple after putting up with them.)

Type Three: The Valley Girl. 
Ah, this is the girl who will show up in a mini skirt and heels. (Note, when we say please wear heels, we are referring to boots, not stilettos.) They are most commonly seen on and around valentines day or anniversaries when some well meaning significant other takes them on a surprise date. They will spend the ride complaining that the horse is smelly and the trail is dirty or that they are going to ruin their expensive clothes. They are almost always afraid of horses- so ask your partner how they feel about horses before scheduling a date, not all girls are horse crazy by nature. 

Type Four: The City Slicker. 
This usually refers to the type of person who comes out to have a relaxing ride and get away from the city but I am using to to refer to the person who uses at as a chance to continue work- via smartphone... on horseback. They will be too busy to get off their phone and will ignore you the entire ride- unless they lose signal when they will promptly ask you how much longer until the end. You must resist the temptation to take them under a low tree branch as they are sometimes actually  important business people or government officials. (Or in the worst case, foreign diplomats. *shudder*)
The other type is the one who knows they're a city slicker and just want you to let them pretend to be a cowboy for a day- they usually tip VERY well. Lawyers are particularly fond of this and will be overjoyed to find loopholes in your contract for fun (do NOT let them fall off), this person will be thrilled if you put them in "traditional" clothing. 
One person paid me $10 to wear my beat up, dirty old cowboy hat for an hour. These people are slightly crazy and highly amusing. They go wild if you lead them in old western songs, let them move cattle or let them yell 'yee-haw!'. 

Type Five: The Doting Family.
Also known as SGS- spoiled grandchild syndrome. The child will always be an atrocious little shit followed by a parent or grandparent with two regular cameras and possibly a video camera. The relative will ignore you and spend the entire ride happily snapping thousands of shots of their wretched spawn annoying the living hell out of you. The child will ask constant questions- and usually follow those question with "Why?" "Why?" "But whyyyyyyyy?" until you want to strangle them and they know it. They always very harsh to their horses and rude to the guides or other guests but by god, their relative will think they are the most precious little thing to ever walk the planet. You know you have one of these children when the car opens and they walk out in shiny pink chaps with matching vest, plastic hat and boots. They will immediately demand the horse they find prettiest and do not care if you say it is unsuitable for them. Their relative will want to know why they can't have the one they want and may or may not throw a hissy fit. If you have a partner,  rock paper scissors is usually the best way to determine who has to put up with them for an hour. Sudden injury also works, bonus points if you pretend it was the horse the kid wanted. 

Type Six: The "Horse Whisperer"

Ah, now this is a personal favorite of mine. This is the person who has never had horses or lessons outside of camp but has watched sappy horsey movies and read all the Black Stallion series and is now convinced that they can bond with any horse. (They may have even seen a natural horsemanship special on HDTV)  There is NO point in telling them to stay away from a certain horse as they will not listen to logic. They will seek out the worst horse- usually your mount or one in training- and try to 'join up'. If your grumpy mount is like mine (who had no business being there) the horse will show pretty darn clear signs of annoyance- ears back, head tossing and tail swishing, in an attempt to make them go away. The person will not notice and eventually the horse may end up trying to bite or strike at them. When this happens they will blame you for not warning them. Even if there are signs saying "Do not pet this horse" right next to them. Giving the *are you serious?* face is appropriate here. 


Type Seven: The Barrel Racer

This is the person who may or may not have horses or friends with horses and has "done 4H or barrels". (I'm not picking on ALL barrel racers, just the all the one's I've met.) They will want your spunkiest horse and are sure they are the worlds best riders. Usually this person cannot ride for shit. They are bouncing all over the place and may even be choking their horse- they will never listen when you try to offer advice. Do not assume that they can ride well just because they say so. Do not for any reason, give them a spunky horse- unless you want them tossed.. They will also spend the ride confidently telling you riding tips or training advice they 'know'. Even if they've never had a lesson in their lives and have never trained a horse. If possible, make them be last in line- telling them it's because you need an 'experienced' person there to watch for problems will work great.

Type Eight: The Equestrian

This person is a godsend; they are like a drink of cool water on a hot day. They say they can ride and they can! They usually ride English and show. Some may have their own competition horses who just do not do trails and some may even be old guides themselves. They can handle any horse on your string and you can actually have fun with them. 



Type Nine: The Excited Beginner

This person can actually be quite enjoyable as they know they are beginners and will frequently ask for riding advice and appropriate horse choices. They come because they want experience before getting a horse. If they ask for your advice, give it wisely, if they don't.... 

Type Ten: The Dangerous Drunk

I don't know who thought booze and horses mixed well, but they should be shot. In the face. Repeatedly. They are frequently college students or middle aged men. They were nervous so they had a little liquid courage before showing up. This makes their terrible riding even worse. They will nearly always fall off, scream, or try to race their horses. 
If you can, do not take them out. It's safer. If your boss, like mine, makes you anyway, demand double your usual rate for putting up with their shit. If they say no, tell them to find another trail guide and train them in ten minutes. If you are forced to babysit their drunk asses, bring a lead rope. Feel free to attach it to the halter of whatever human is acting the stupidest. After the ride you should give your horses extra  treats. (There will be more D.D. stories to come, I promise.) 

So this is post one, my own experiences with people with a little sass thrown in. Other posts will probably be picking apart terrible horse ads or putting up the god awful responses I've gotten when selling a horse. Also regular auction reports. Other post's will probably be offensive.... this is the internet. If you don't like it- click the X in the corner. Thanks